vondell-swain:

i just tried to imagine a crossover between doctor who and parks and recreation

it didn’t work at all

like, attempting to imagine it caused some sort of catastrophic failure in my imagination glands

i just can’t picture the characters interacting

and the format is so different

i thought i’d at least be able to imagine it but i’m trying really hard and i can’t

Doctor Who Season 7 / Parks and Recreation Season 4: “SUCH SWEET SORROW”

The Doctor and Rory vworp into Pawnee, the two run out of the TARDIS. Doctor: “This isn’t Bermuda Minor!” Rory: “This looks like Earth!” The doctor explains that they must’ve been pulled off course by some sort of strong temporal energy. “Does that mean Amy could be here?” Amy has been missing for an entire season. “Maybe.”

[Parks and Rec theme remixed with Doctor Who theme, opening sequence is in the style of Parks and Rec’s squares but each square shows a different rendering of the Time Vortex from previous Doctor Who iterations, rather than stock footage of parks]

Cut to the Parks Department. Chris is informing Leslie about how the Sweetums factory is being closed by the FDA because most of its products have recently been deemed extremely unhealthy. Ron is annoyed and thinks the government shouldn’t have any control over what people can and cannot eat. Leslie, as a fan of sugar, is concerned and sides with Ron — but then Chris tells her when the plant is torn down he’ll be giving the lot to the parks department, and she gets excited and quickly denounces sugar. Chris tells Leslie to go to the lot, check it out, and start sending him ideas for what she can do with the lot.

The Doctor and Rory pace around the TARDIS in the outskirts of Pawnee using the sonic screwdriver to dowse for the temporal disturbance that must have pulled them there. Suddenly the TARDIS starts to vanish, and the Doctor explains to Rory that whatever is making time so especially wobbly must have scared the TARDIS off, but he says he’s not worried; this has happened before, and he’s sure the TARDIS will return if they can deactivate the device causing the temporal disturbance. He now seems to know what’s going on.

Leslie and Ron are eating breakfast food at JJ’s Diner, Leslie asks Ron why he invited her out for “breakfast-lunch”. Ron says he thinks it’s stupid that the FDA is shutting down the Sweetums factory and he says he’s going to go with her and he’s going to see if there’s anything they can do to save it. Leslie comments that it’s unlike him to care so much at a work thing, and he says “I know” in a confused/concerned voice.

Cut back to the outskirts of Pawnee. Rory mutters, “The Sweetums Factory?” The Doctor waves his sonic in the air, checks it, confirms, and puts it in his pocket. “How does a sweets factory distort time and space?” The Doctor… says something really clever… And they approach the factory. They are stopped by a guard who looks nervous and sweaty. The Doctor flashes his psychic paper at the guard who interprets it as an FDA badge. The Doctor confirms he is FDA, and the guard escorts them inside.

Cut to Leslie’s car. Leslie is driving, Ron is sitting in the passengers seat, Andy is in the backseat rolling his shoulders like a frustrated kid.

Andy: “Why am I here?”
Leslie: “Because you’re my assistant.”
Andy: “Oh right! Wait why is April here?” [April is quietly tearing pages out of a book in the back seat]
Ron: “Because she’s my assistant.”
Andy: “Oh! … Aw! We’re like married brother and sister!”
April: “Who’s answering the phones.”

Cut to the Parks Department office. Tom picks up a phone and immediately goes into a sales pitch for investing into Entertainment 720. He pauses, is annoyed, slams the phone. “DAMNIT, JERRY! Tell your daughter to stop calling.” Jerry: “What’s going on with my daughter? Is she alright?” Tom: “She won’t be if she keeps calling!”

Cut to Rory and the Doctor in the Sweetums Factory gift shop. The decor looks very 1960s, and there are different kinds of old timey candy everywhere. The Doctor is pulling out sheet after sheet of candy dots and sonicing each one. Rory is staring really deeply into a giant lollypop. The nervous guard enters the room and tells the Doctor his colleagues have arrived, he swivels around, confused.

Leslie and the Doctor approach each other cautiously. Leslie flashes her badge, says she’s with the parks department, asks why the FDA is shutting the Sweetums factory down. Ron angrily interjects that there’s nothing wrong with this place. ”No, there’s something very wrong with this place. Not just this factory, but with this entire town…” The Doctor tells Ron he’s adamant to find out what is wrong with the Sweetums factory, Ron gets uncharacteristically angry and storms off, taking April with him.

The Doctor tells Rory that whatever is going on in this factory could be dangerous and asks him to follow Ron to keep them safe, “What? Me? Keep them safe?” “Whatever is going on in this factory is likely of alien origin—these people have no experience in this kind of stuff, and, yes, I think they could use the help of The Last Centurion.” Rory looks determined, and runs off after Ron and April. Leslie turns to The Doctor, “By alien do you mean… (PC hushed voice) Mexicans?” “No. But good guess! I like you, Leslie Knope.” The Doctor, Leslie, and Andy head off in another direction. For some reason. (Contrived “lets split up” scenes are part of Doctor Who!)

MEANWHILE AT THE PARKS DEPARTMENT. Tom, Donna, and Jerry are now using everybody’s phone lines to cold call government workers on speed dial to get them to invest in Entertainment 720. Tom is angry and offensive to everyone. Jerry is confused and apologetic. Donna is the only one making any progress and ends a crazy successful call, hangs up, hits speed dial, and begins the same speech again. Donna quickly hangs up with an ‘oh shit’ expression—she tells Tom she just called Chris on accident. Tom yells, “DAMNIT, JERRY!” Jerry didn’t do anything.

Leslie, Andy and the Doctor investigate the factory floor. Andy is fucking with a conveyer belt of candies and struggling to fix it but only making it worse. Leslie says to The Doctor that it’s really unlike Ron to care so much about anything, and that he seemed kind of nervous and scared. The Doctor “hmms….” to himself, then he stops, and realizes Andy is still fucking everything up. “Why hasn’t anyone tried to stop him yet? Leslie, did you notice how there’s no one in this factory at all, other than the guard? And even he wasn’t all there. And you say your friend is behaving strangely—!” The Doctor starts panicking and rummaging into his pockets. ”I Am The Doctor” starts to play. Andy, “I fixed it!” The Doctor tosses sharpies to Leslie and Andy. Andy catches the sharpie and makes a :D face to the camera.

Cut to Rory, Ron and April. Ron is panicking and doesn’t know why, and is still running through the factory. April complains to Rory about having to run, Rory says “How is it my fault he’s your friend!” “Ugh, he’s not my friend he’s my boss, and this job usually doesn’t involve running!” “Must be nice.” A door swings open, Leslie steps through. She looks harder and more world-weary than ever before, and her arms are covered in sharpie tick marks. She catches Ron and hugs him. Ron is now sobbing. The doctor enters behind her, also covered in tick marks, he and Rory share an intense stare, and he tosses some sharpie pens to Rory. Andy enters behind the Doctor, he has dozens of tick marks sharpied all over his arms, and a kitty cat nose and whiskers drawn on his face.

The Doctor explains to Ron that he is being manipulated by The Silence, an alien species that can only be remembered while being observed. Ron accepts this surprisingly easily. The doctor pulls out a cellphone picture of the Silence, and shows it to everyone. Suddenly they all remember seeing The Silence all throughout their lives. Ron suddenly realizes Tammy 2 is a Silence. Leslie suddenly remembers that the pit by Anne’s house was a crater caused by a downed space ship, and that she had somehow forgotten that fact. Andy remembers his entire relationship with Anne was heavily Silence-manipulated, then Leslie chimes in too and says her awkward forced relationship with Mark must have been the result of Silence-manipulation as well. Ron says, “Wait, you mean these things exist outside of this factory? If they were manipulating me at work…” The Doctor: “Then the Parks Department has a Silence infestation.”

Cut to the Parks Department. Chris storms into the office and starts yelling at Tom about abusing his government connections. Suddenly, a Silence emerges from the conference room. Tom screams hysterically, Donna yells “WHAT THE FUCK”, Chris struggles to remain calm, and Jerry’s expression changes to a firm resolve. The Silence exclaims, “YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR LOCAL GOVERNMENT. WE ARE THE ONES PULLING THE STRINGS. TOM HAVERFORD, BY ABUSING YOUR POSITION IN LOCAL GOVERNMENT YOU THREATEN DISTURBING THE BALANCE IN OUR POWER.” The silence raises it’s long horrible hands at Tom, and Jerry quickly upends his entire desk, with unexpected physical strength, smashing it into the Silence. Tom screams like a girl again, Chris grabs Donna and shields her. Jerry gruffly spits at the Silence, “You won’t be the first of your kind I’ve killed with my bare hands, and you won’t be the last!” The Silence raises it’s ugly hand at Jerry and shoots a bolt of lightning. Jerry dodges out of the way— the stray bolt flies into the hallway and kills Kyle instantly. Jerry rushes at the Silence with an intense battle cry, leaps onto the Silence, and pile drives him into the floor. His brains mash everywhere and suddenly his entire body bursts into ash. Tom suddenly forgets that the Silence exists, and sees the ruined office. “DAMNIT, JERRY!”

MEANWHILE AT THE SWEETUMS FACTORY. The Doctor, Leslie, Ron, and Andy are all covered in tick marks, walking through a low-ceiling metallic chamber. Andy says to April, “Baby, you gotta be using your marker.” “Uuuuuhg, why do I have to do it if everyone else is going to do it anyway.” The Doctor explains that ever since The Silence crash landed in The Pit, they’ve been using the Sweetums Factory as a base. The doctor says that the chemical composition of the sugar in the candy shop isn’t normal—the sugar is being bonded to some sort of chemical agent. He turns to Leslie, and starts asking her questions about history and politics. Leslie mentions things like Little Sebastion, and the sister city in Venezuela—The Doctor adds it all up, it’s all comically off kilter.

Doctor: “Of course! If that tiny horse was as famous as you say, why haven’t I read about him in history books!? The Silence are bonding their own blood with the sugar in the Sweetums factory. By feeding the sugar to the residents of Pawnee, the Silence are giving them a mutated version of their power. Pawnee doesn’t exist outside of Pawnee because the high fructose corn syrup produced by the Sweetums factory acts like a liquid perception filter!”

Leslie: “Why would they do that!” Doctor: “Because, they need a base that the federal government can’t find. THAT’S why the FDA wanted to shut down the Sweetums factory, they must have noticed the incomplete records of Pawnee’s existence and suspected Silence involvement.” Leslie: “But what’s so special about Pawnee.” Doctor: “Exactly. Nothing! It’s just an average town in middle America—off the radar, off the map, the perfect place for the Silence to build their most sinister weapon yet… A means of manipulating the time vortex itself!”

They reach their destination, a giant chamber with the Silence’s own recreation of the Untempered Schism. The Doctor sonics all over the room. “It looks like… It looks like we got here just in time. It’s fully operational, but they haven’t used it yet. The temporal contact with The TARDIS must have turned it on. Now if I can just shut it down, the TARDIS should return, and the Silence will vacate Pawnee!” Rory: “No! If that device is a gateway to the time vortex then… Then Amy could be on the other side, right?” Doctor: “… Possibly! Rory, if you cross that threshold your chances of survival are a million to one!” Rory: “She’s worth it!” Rory runs into the Time Vortex. Doctor: “NO! Oh, Rory.”

Suddenly, April starts panicking. She’s now covered in tick marks. Andy: “Baby? Baby are you okay?” The gang looks around and finds themselves surrounded by Silence. Ron Swanson pulls a golden gun out from his hip and starts firing at the Silence, killing them all on sight. A Silence fires an electric bolt, and it hits April, badly injuring her. Andy screams dramatically. Ron shoots the Silence dead.

The Doctor explains to Andy that he can’t save her, but if he sends her into the Time Vortex, there’s a chance she might survive on the other side. Andy, sobbing, wipes his cheeks, smudging his whisker markings. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The Doctor and Andy carry April’s body into the time vortex. “I’m sorry but I have to seal it off now.” The Doctor uses the sonic screwdriver on the time vortex, and the machinery around it starts to fry, and the portal fades. The TARDIS suddenly reappears by The Doctor’s side.

Ron and Leslie comfort each other. In a very Terminator 2-esque moment, they tell The Doctor that they’re going back to Pawnee to try to clean up after the Silence. The Doctor asks Andy what he’ll do next. Andy says, “My life was a mess before I met her, and there’s nothing waiting for me back in Pawnee. You told Rory there’s a one in a million chance his wife could be safe in the time vortex. If April even has that much of a shot… of being alive out there… Then there’s only one thing I can do. I’m coming with you.”

Andy Dwyer becomes the new companion for an entire season.